Crazy Neighbor

These events occurred in 2004 in Denton, TX USA.

We have a drunken neighbor who has hollered at my roommate a few times just saying hey, or making dumb comments. He knocked on the door about a month ago and scared her as he kept knocking for over a minute. I received a frantic call driving home from Dallas. She called from her closet as he continued to knock. I knew then that I was soon to me this guy and that the encounter would not be pleasant.

I finally met him one night a week or so later. I pull into the driveway and there he was drinking a beer on his porch. I wave and begin unloading groceries from my car. I hear mumbles, but I don’t pay any attention. I go inside and watch Family Guy. He knocks on my door about halfway through and he is clearly drunk, to the point he has trouble standing. He asks why I didn’t talk to him earlier. I apologize and say I had a lot on my mind and I introduce myself. He gets nice and stars telling me about his bitch of an ex wife and then he gets serious,

“Hey man, are you bi?” he asks.

‘Bi what? bipolar?’I wonder.

“No bisexual man.” he says.

I tell him no way. He said he likes sucking dick and he wouldn’t mind sucking my dick whenever I want. I say thanks, but no thanks I’m not into that from guys. He tells me about how he isn’t gay, but he does that and he has been in jail for domestic dispute assault so I guess he got some practice. At this point, punching the guy is not an option since I don’t want a mad neighbor. I mean he knows where I live and when I am asleep. Bad things man, bad things. I have to get this asshat off my porch and fast. So I tell him I have to get to my laundry so he finally walks off.

I try to finish Family Guy with the knowledge that my neighbor likes my member and this neighbor happens to be a guy… with sharp teeth. Just when I calm down he comes back to clarify I won’t have to pay him or do anything to him, I just have to ‘lay down and take it.’ I reiterate the fact that I’m still not into this from guys and he tears into my roommate. He says she is cheating on me as he sees a lot of girls and guys at our house when I am not home. Oh and hey, he could take pics if I want. I should kick her out and then maybe he could move in. I tell him we have an open relationship, but it’s not his business anyway. I tell him not to come back, nor talk to me or my roommate again as I close the door.

My roommate, of course, freaked when I told her what happened. Then she said maybe he has a gun or knife. This did not enter into my mind until she said something so there goes my night of sleep. Someone else mentioned this scenario sounded like American Beauty…frankly you bastards aren’t helping out.
My neighbor took to singing gospel tunes at the top of his voice at 11 PM in addition to kicking and punching his trash cans, usually before singing. He also is quite the serenader, singing to our windows on various occasions. We also had the pleasure of trying to have a civil man to man talk with him about his actions. He staggered over before we all went to the bar one night at our friends house across the street. We were talking with Doc, the neighborhood sage, and jackass brings his son over. He tries to shake my hand like we are old buddies so I tell him I am not his friend and I am not shaking his hand. He mumbles about how the hood is against him. Doc begins listing the neighborhoods complaints against him. Seems he has been to most houses making the same proposition!  I throw in I am not his buddy and he really needs to stop singing. He got angry at Doc for some reason and advised the old man to watch him mouth. Doc told him he could say anything he damn well pleased. Doc is retired SEAL so it would be a short fight.

We called the cops twice in the past couple months. The first time, brainiac and his son RUN, leaving his ma to talk to the cops. She did acknowledge he was playing his music loud. The second time he was singing & yelling he was not scared of me anymore, so I walked out and talked to the cops and gave them the whole story back to the bj offer and his singing talents. There was little they could do since being an asshole is not a criminal offense. They did give us permission to beat him so we got that going for us now, which is nice.
Justice came to town yesterday as my neighbor was arrested, shirtless of course, by Denton’s finest. He came back a few hours later, but at least the effort was made. My friends told me that he frequently would pass out on his driveway at all hours. They would take turns shooting him with a BB gun. That is the only justice we will have with our neighbor, we all moved off the street shortly after the final incident.

 

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